The Swing

Today I took the kiddos to the park because it was one of those sunny, perfect weather days. No clouds in the sky, cool morning air, and a lot of sunshine. My kind of days.

Let me introduce you to those kiddos.

This boy loves to climb.

And this girl loves to swing.

After pushing them on those swings for what seemed ages,

the little girl hidden inside me really really wanted a turn. Now I have to mention here that I haven’t been on a swing in probably 4 or 5 years. Heck, I can’t even remember the last time I got on a swing. I’m an adult and adults don’t usually do that, right? Hmm.

Well anyway, it was such a beautiful day that I didn’t feel like being the adult and so naturally I got on the swing myself.

Here is my youngest when she realizes I’m not going to push her anymore.

“Mommy! Push!”

Not now, Sweet Pea, I want a turn.

And let me tell you, there’s just nothing like getting in a swing, pushing with your feet and propelling yourself to emotions that you forgot existed. I realized in a few short seconds how much I loved it. What is it about that exhilarating feel of free falling through the air? The cool breeze in my face and the steady rock back and forth had me laughing. And suddenly I’m reminded of how much I love my life, I love my kids, and really enjoying being at the place in life that I am today.

The ride on that swing lifted that huge weight of depression from my shoulders and opened my eyes to see this beautiful morning before me.

Last night was a completely different story. It’s something I can’t predict, but it happens once a month or once every few weeks. Depression with a capital “d”. I don’t know how it is for other people, and I don’t even know if someone born with deafness goes through it, but I know that it’s that one thing that I just can’t rid myself of.

Have you ever lost a loved one? Sometimes I wonder if what I feel is something that is similar. It’s such an intense grief so heavy that I can hardly breathe. Occasionally I just get blue, or annoyed with my deafness, but then there are some days that I just break on the inside when I think about the life that I’m missing out on.

Every day I just cram my days with activity. Some days it’s going to the park with the kiddos, riding a nearby train, going to the mall or the zoo, and other days I spend my time doing laundry, errands, or grocery shopping. When the kids nap I will surf the internet or read a book, but it’s detrimental that I don’t have time to think too much. I can’t get bored, or it will all just come crashing down on me.

I’ve never truly heard my baby girl speak. She was just a baby when I got my first hearing aids and by the time she started to speak, I couldn’t understand much more than the syllables that I hear now.

And my son? I was sitting on the floor one day watching as he and his dad were playing near me. Cole would run up to my husband, my husband would tickle the life out of him, and Cole would finally escape for two seconds before running back for more. I was sitting there watching him giggle and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t hear his little laugh anymore. I closed my eyes and listened, wondering if it was my imagination, but that distinctive little laugh that belongs to him was missing.

In my mind I can still hear his laugh like it was yesterday. Usually when you remember someone, you remember the last time they were with you or the last time they said goodbye, but with Cole I can remember so clearly the first time he laughed. And it replays over and over in my head until I simply drown in sorrow if I let it.

Some people may think that swinging on a swing is the silliest thing to bring so much pleasure, but to me, in my world, I desperately hold on to those little moments in life that bring me so much bliss. Sometimes I feel those moments are few and far between, but then I take one look at my baby girl or my little boy, and I am so thankful for the joy that they give me every day. I love my husband, I love my kiddos, and now I even love to swing.

Look at that bliss. Even she agrees.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: